DML Polygraph Test

Welcome the the DML Polygraph test, where I choose a random person from the blogosphere and subject them to five embarassing and deeply personal questions, almost all of which involve sex or poop. They can only answer yes or no. Now I don't posses and actual polygraph machine here. So I'm going to rely on the best bullshit detector of them all: our commenters. They answer, and you judge. Today, our subject is the Somtimes B.

The L: Have you ever masturbated in a public place?

SB: Yes.

The L: Have you ever had sexual thoughts about a man, unwanted in your head or not?

SB: No.

The L: Have you ever imagined yourself as Mike Lawless during intercourse?

SB: Yes.

The L: Have you ever passed up intercourse in order to sleep?

SB: Yes.

The L: Have you ever urinated, and then zipped up, only to realize there's still a little trickling out and it makes a really big stain in your pants?

SB: Yes.

Happy Halloween!!

Pictured above from Top-to-Bottom: The D, The L...and the M.

Blog-Off Champion

Congratulations to the Sometimes B for winning the inaugural Blog-Off in what will be regarded historically as the worst competition in internet history. If I had to provide an analogy of what judging this competition was like, I'd have to say it was like being asked whether I prefer vomit or poop.

As you can see from the picture above, poop clearly came out on top. The victory was really only by default though, as the Sometimes B made this one lame post while his opponent did not bother with a single attempt.

The loser of the contest (aka Vomit), will now go back into DML obscurity will no longer be referenced on this glorious blog.

My apologies to the M for all the Vomit references, hopefully he can keep his lame-ass lunch down.

The Leafs

The D has decided to post his thoughts on this season's incarnation of the Maple Leafs. Beyond predicting that they will win the Stanley Cup this spring, and break numerous NHL records, here are some thoughts.

The D took advantage of the DML's corporate Leaf tickets last night, and had some very interesting thoughts come to mind as to the differences between this year's team and previous.

First off - for the first time that the D can remember, there seems to be an air of self-mocking around the Air Canada Centre. The newest feature in the scoreboard cam bits, that are done in every arena is called something like "Spot The Suit". The camera operator proceeds to zero in on bored looking corporate types wearing ties in the Platinum section.

Second - the new motto around the ACC - "Spirit Is Everything". If this is not an acknowledgment of how much of a joke the on-ice product has become, it sure is close. MLSE has now decided to basically give out points for participation.

The D can never remember Leaf management poking such fun at itself before.

Third - there is no bonafide superstar on this Leafs team. This team is filled with guys who could probably walk down the street in any other NHL city and not be recognized. Quick - name me all 3 defensive pairings for the Leafs...


The D can remember going to games at Maple Leaf Gardens as a boy, with one of the most vivid memories of that place (besides the smoke filled hallways and Buffalo Bills-style trough urinals) is the inherent distaste that true Leaf fans had for their team. In the 80s the fans knew that their team was garbage, and loudly vocalized that at the games. The D feels that he learned how to be properly critical of a hockey game from witnessing those horrible Leaf teams. The atmosphere at last night's game felt more like those early Leaf experiences than it ever has recently.

The point the D is trying to make is that this year's team is bad. Ownership knows it, management knows it, and the fans know it.

PS - thanks alot John Ferguson Jr for leaving us with Jason Blake and his ridiculous contract. The only thing you were ever qualified to GM was your local McDonald's.

Where the Magic Happens...Part 1

Who is the DML? We've been inundated with this very question from our countless readers who long to know where this cast of characters summons the creativity to entertain the masses. Without further ado, we're starting a series called, Where the Magic Happens.

Check out my view below of the East End and the majestic Olympic Stadium in the distance on the right. Whenever I'm lacking the inspiration to compose the elegant prose everyone has come to expect, I close my eyes and imagine what it must have been like to be one of the fans that was almost crushed to death by a concrete slab that fell back when they played baseball at this stadium's hallowed grounds.

For those of you wondering why I'm automatic on putts from 6 feet and less, now you have your answer.

Editors Note: Special thanks to Mulqueen for Photoshopping out ESPN.com as the homepage on my monitor.

Vegetation

Despite some of the negative sentiments people (including the author of the previous post) are having regarding the current political season, we here at the DML prefer to focus on the positives.

For those of you who feel the same way and prefer putting a positive spin on the recent Canadian election - here's as good a reason as any pictured above. Ever wondered what $300 million looks like, well the answer is growing on the D's face. Go Blue!!

D - when you finally shave it off, make sure you give it to the M so he can include it in one of his lunch's...

Reunited

After a grueling (read: unnecessary) election which caused the D's hiatus and a false sense of self-importance, and despite the promotion of the M which has temporarily handcuffed our photoshopping abilities, things are starting to get back to normal here at the DML.

In other news, the Sometimes B got bitch-slapped so hard by the L this weekend that he hurt his elbow doing a backwards somersault on the pavement.

***not pictured - The M's vomit from Gratto's wedding

Oh that receding hairline!

The DML, in association with long-standing contributor the sometimes B, would like to take a moment out of our extremely busy schedule to acknowledge a very special birthday. Often mistaken for a hockey player, the hairline (pictured here) turns an unfortunate 30 years young today. Despite the obvious facial trauma endured over the years, hairline has exhibited remarkable fortitude. Sadly, like all good things in life, this hairline's best years are now well behind him. With a little luck we hope that hairline could potentially maintain a Norwood 3 before inevitably succumbing to its hideous, often career-ending relative, the Norwood 5. Maybe she will finally come to her senses and drop him for B. May the force be with hairline on his special day, the DML+B salute you.

Dirty 30

the D, M and sometimes B salute the letter L for being 30 and making the world a better place. Dear readers, please send him your bithday wishes.

The D is back.

The hiatus is over. For both the D and Phish.

Welcome back D.

26 Possible Explanations

a) They are busy douching each other and no longer want to compete after seeing each other's floppy vaginas.

b) L2 is busy writing love songs about his chest hair for an upcoming album.

c) Sometimes B is too saddened by the end of free-market capitalism to continue.

d) Sometimes B is still trying to figure out how the interweb and "computers" work.

e) L2 got distracted looking at his bald spot in the mirror.

f) Sometimes B is naked and masturbating. While driving.

g) L2 is watching sometimes B from the passengers seat and wishing that he could do more than 9 push-ups so that he was strong enough to finish when he masturbates.

h) Neither has received permission to participate in the Blog-off from respective lady friends.

i) They are studying past DML posts to learn how to be funny and are not yet confident that they can deliver the high quality content that readers expect.

j) Sometimes B has caught L2's vaginitus. Note to concerned readers: Thankfully L of the DML has been cured before suffering that rapid hair loss that ruined L2's career.

k) Sometimes B's performance anxiety problems in the bedroom have spilled over into the blogosphere.

l) L2's fingers are cramped due to
(i) attempted masturbation
(ii) strumming embarrassing love songs about chest hair and Begin's twirly tatoo.
(iii) attempting to beat his personal best of 9 push-ups.

m) Sometimes B has been accosted by angry stockholders who watched their life savings melt away last week and then followed Sometimes B's advice to cut their losses, thereby missing out on the bounce this week.

n) Both are waiting for members of the DML to take over the trash-talking for them so that they may free-ride and hide their own patheticness.

o) Sometimes B can't read. L2 is sensitive to that and is working on uploading some MP3 audio files. L2 was stopped from doing so however when the DML firewall detected he was also attempting to upload some of those embarrassingly bad love songs.

p) Each is afraid to take the first swing because they know they will be subsequently laughed at and destroyed by the DML and other commentators.

q) L2 is afraid that if he is too aggressive, sometimes B will make fun of him for spending $400 on jeans.

r) Sometimes B is afraid that if he is too aggressive, L2 will make fun of him for dropping his girlfriend on her face.

s) L2 heard there was a door crasher sale on vagisil and tampons and doesn't want to lose his spot in line.

t) Sometimes B did not understand the invitation to participate in the Blog-off because Hungarian Dan wasn't around to translate for him.

u) L2 thinks he can coast for the rest of his life now because he accidentally won MOTY. He willingly accepts that he has peaked and will gradually lose value for the rest of his pathetic life. Even tricking a woman who is obviously way too good for him into marriage will not prevent this inevitable decline.

v) Sometimes B is worried that if he displays his retardness in a truely public forum, Trau will finally realize she is too good for him.

w) L2 has realized he will never be L1 and has given up.

x) Sometimes B has realized he will always be sometimes and has given up.

y) They have actually both attempted to post several times but the DML firewall has blocked their posts for lack of hilarity.

z) Doug has intervened on God's behalf, worried that this event may be creating too much divisiveness and negativity.

Who's more useless?

Seeing as the L2 and Sometimes B are reluctant to post anything meaningful on this glorious blog, I thought it might be appropriate to go back in time and revisit an old email exchange between these former roommates.

This excerpt is taken from an email argument regarding the phone bill and escalated into them questioning each other's daily schedules and who lived a more fulfilling life. Tough call.

As you'll see, they both clearly had a lot going on in their lives back in early 2007. Too bad we didn't ask them to post on the DML back then. Enjoy!

From: Sometimes B
Sent: Friday, February 2, 2007 4:58 PM
To: L2
Subject: Re: 381 Shaw

Beeeeeeeeeeeep

L2's Schedule:

Mon-Fri:

7am- serenade my girlfriend
7:05- serenade my girlfriend
7:10- serenade my girlfriend
9am- got to work, research hockey stats
6:00-8:00pm- get home, sing songs, research hockey stats
8:00-10:00- try to think of ways not to make noise during sex
11- go to bed

Sat-Sun: Hang with my girlfriend and her friends, go to gay dinners.

From: L2

Sent: Friday, February 02, 2007 4:56 PM

To: Sometimes B

Subject: RE: 381 shaw

Actually - quite the opposite, you have much less going on your life than i do.

Sometimes B's Schedule:

Mon-Fri:

6:00 am - wake up and go to work
6:00 pm - get home
6:00-8:00 pm - play poker
9:00 pm - go to sleep

Sat-Sun:

Sleep until 5:00
Go to niagara
Do nothing

Your life is a waste.

Disappointment

Where are Sometimes B and L2? Have you forgotten about your vow to destroy each other via the DML?

The Origin of the Blog-Off

Never before has such a rivalry dominated the news. The impending matchup of L(2) vs B has the potential to be the greatest grudgematch in history.

Scouring the extensive archives of the DML's proud history, the D has found a photo that was thought to be lost in the great financial crisis of 2008. This photo has been tentatively labelled as the potential start of the original Blog-Off. What you see below was what could have been the beginning of World War 3.

Luckily, the M intervened and realized the D, the M, and the L could all live in harmony, combine their talents, and produce the greatest website in the history of the interweb.

Disaster averted.

BLOG-OFF!!!!!

Who would be a more worthy contributor to the DML?

With the impending departure of the L, who should take his place (assuming he's willing to relinquish it)?

Clearly the only reasonable course of action here is to have a Blog-Off.

Starting next week, Lawless and the Sometimes B are hereby invited to formally post contributions on the DML*. They will both be given temporary access for one week to post as many entries as they wish and will be graded by the DML based on overall content and the feedback they receive in the comments section.

The DML promises zero editorial oversight, except to ensure compliance with our objectional content policy version 1.1. Winner will be decided by public vote the following week, 99 cents per text message.**

Congratulations on making it this far in the application process. Many have tried, only one has succeeded, and he will be on probation for the rest of his natural life.

The Blog-Off officially begins on Tuesday, October 14th, 2008 at 9:00am EDT.

It's going to be a bloodbath.

*Note, this will be a true test of your talents because you will have to work without the aide of the M's photoshop talents... a situation the M is actively working to remedy at work.

**The DML reserves the right to completely ignore the results of the vote and choose the winner based on completely unsubstantiated criteria.

Creepy or Sexy?

You decide. Vote here.

Vagina Envy

DML photo archivist and vice-president of scheming L, seen above left, has been diagnosed with a severe case of vaginitus.

Recent unprovoked attacks on former colleague M and sometimes B provided early evidence that he had contracted the embarassing disease but it wasn't until this photo surfaced that doctors were able to formally diagnose it. Symptoms include whining, constant pleas for attention and excessive masturbation.

Former male companions suggest it may have been contracted at the 2008 Man of the Year Championships, where he was in close contact with this guy. A witness at the event recalls hearing him complain of vaginal cramps mid-way through long-distance run (in which he was destroyed by M and sometimes B).

Doctors say that carriers can live a full and healthy life but if the underlying causes are not treated early, vaginitus can result in rapid hairloss.

Train Wreck.

"Hi, I'm the M. I wear jeans to weddings and don't eat meat. I used to be a valuable resource for this blog but now I pretend to be all important, kinda like the D, and couldn't be bothered to contribute anymore. My hobbies include champagne, some beer, lots of wine and tons of scotch. You can see my latest work on the side of Springhurst Ave, Highway 11, 400 and 21, but don't worry it doesn't contain any meat and I took my shoes off my shoes to reduce my carbon footprint. Hooray for Earth!!"