Nanners on the Bachelor

Welcome to Week 4 of "Nanners on the Bachelor", its a play on words. Even if you're not a fan of the show, or have never watched it, I can assure you that you'll find her elegant prose entertaining. I think we can also all agree that reading about some english dude trying to nail 25 broads is much more worthwhile than reading about China, foot massages and how Mullin is tall and weird looking. Enjoy.

When in doubt, whip’em out.

We had a few surprises tonight which involved breasts, a shocking rejection and a small meltdown.

Let me briefly outline tonight’s episode:

The group date: This was a stereotypical British setting of tennis and tea. Robin our nut job and future serial killer featured on “48 Hours Mystery” put on a fake British accent to try and impress our Bachelor. It was pretty bad….in particular, her conversation about how her parents “searched the world to find the bestest tea maker in the whole wide world” really got under the other girls skin. Somehow, this attempt at being part British proved to be successful as she was not sent packing last night.

On the group date Chelsea and Malibu Barbie decided to have a gymnastics competition in their skirts. Good one girls, your flexibility and your underwear left a lasting impression on Matt. You may want to keep them around for the overnight dates…

Next, we had Meeps (Amanda) which I don’t think that I had mentioned that she hiccups when she gets nervous… she really held her own on her one on one date. Maybe she didn’t have time to hiccup since she was busy sucking face with our smitten Bachelor. My prediction says this broad makes it to the end…just keep putting out Amanda…I’ve heard that before...

Last but not least, we had our two on one date where two beauties battled it out for Matt’s undying attention. TBC-token black chick (Marshana) and Holly our innocent childrens’author both told Matt that they would immediately pack their belongings and relocate to London without a question. Later, we were able to witness TBC nearly swallow the Bachelor whole in her romantic one on one kiss by the fire. Evidentially, he really enjoys taking risks in life…it was a close one folks…we nearly lost him there. To our amazement our thin lipped Holly was sent packing…I guess her mouth just isn’t big enough for what Matt has in mind.

I would have to say that the highlight of the evening was at the cocktail party just before the rose ceremony when our lush Kelly decided to whip out her breasts mid-convo with Matt. Ladies, when in doubt just whip them out. It’s appropriate in any public setting and especially when you are trying to win over the man you could potentially marry. Lay off the booze my friend…at least for national T.V… Your pole and your Vodka will be waiting for you when you get home. Bye bye little booze hound.

Unfortunately, in addition to sending our lush packing our little songwriter/singer Ashlee, was sent home too. I am always confused when I sing on every date and I never get a call back. Maybe she can take her hurt and anger and turn it into a tragic love ballad and promote her music in subway stations and hotel lobbies all over the world. I do give her a pat on the back to be able to sing while having an emotional breakdown on camera. That is true talent.

Nanners on the Bachelor - The Talent Show

Welcome to Week 2 of "Nanners on the Bachelor", its a play on words. Even if you're not a fan of the show, or have never watched it, I can assure you that you'll find her elegant prose entertaining. I think we can also all agree that reading about some english dude trying to nail 25 broads is much more worthwhile than reading about China, foot massages and how Mullin is tall and weird looking. Enjoy.


Just a few things to note from last nights episode.

Last night was group date night. Half of the girls were required to be in a fashion show for Matt while the other whores back at the house, found out they were going to Sin City with our charming Brit.

From the ladies stand point, this is an opportunity to show the Bachelor, your other lady friends of the house and millions of viewers the following.

a) You will definitely let him tongue you the first chance he gets such as Ashlee the scrony singer/songwriter from Florida….and you will never believe it….”. Ding Ding Ding we have a winner!….What do we have for her Johnny?” It’s the “I stuck my tongue in your throat and I will look like a dick if I send you home rose.”

b) Group dates are also another fabulous opportunity to show what a good singer you really are. After all music is the international language of love. Most North Americans sing to their dates to win them over. This is not a Bollywood film ladies. What the f*%k is up with these broads just belting out these love ballads that they have written themselves? Our creepy red headed friend wasn’t going to last long anyway, but she really put the nail in the coffin when she started singing somewhat of a Disney like creepy love song about him touching her. Note to self, when feeling the urge to belt out a creepy love ballad on my second date with a guy, I should probably hold off until at least the third date.

c) In addition to showing your abilities to sing and French kiss, you are also able to show the Bachelor and millions of viewers what a loose cannon you are. For example. Shayne the actress from Malibu gave a fantastic performance about wanting to leave and in fact pulled the Bachelor aside to address this matter as dramatically as possible. Although her pouting and temper tantrum seemed to be a turn off to just about everyone else watching, Matt decided to keep her around so he can get some solid ass before he sends her packing…she just seems like the type.

There was one pretty scary moment in last night’s episode. I think I became fearful when the Bachelor was alone with the token black broad. She kept hinting that she wanted a kiss but I was sincerely concerned that she may swallow him whole with that mouth of hers and this wack ass fashion designer would bring him back to Brooklyn with her. Matt trust me honey, you do not want to get all up in her grill. It was touch and go for a while there folks but no dice.

Last but not least we all love a good episode ending meltdown. Congrats goes out to our singing red head friend who was surprisingly not given a rose at last night’s ceremony. During her farewell meltdown to the producers after she got the boot, she openly admitted that she already had the “love of her life”…….Her cat. And I quote “I cannot wait to have her in between my legs again,” Yikes. It seems like to me that it will just be her and her purring pussy for a long time after that statement. Good luck on the dating scene.

Until next week bitches.

Nanners

Nanners on The Bachelor

Today marks the beginning of a weekly feature entitled "Nanners on the Bachelor", its a play on words. Even if you're not a fan of the show, or have never watched it, I can assure you that you'll find her elegant prose entertaining. I think we can also all agree that reading about some english dude trying to nail 25 broads is much more worthwhile than reading about China, foot massages and how Mullin is tall and weird looking. Welcome aboard Nanners!

If you have not tuned into the nine millionth season of the hit reality show “The Bachelor,”I urge you to do so next Monday.

For those of you who are not reality t.v junkies such as myself, there are a few things that you must know about the selection of the quality of people chosen to be on fabulous real life television. I feel it is my obligation as a junkie to fill you in on the process.

First, in order to be on t.v, the producers of the show will meet with you and put you under some sort of psychological assessment. In order to make a cast of 25 beauties, at least 15 must fail the psychological test by a significant amount. These are usually the homicidal maniacs scattered throughout the back row during the “most dramatic rose ceremony ever.” Some physical characteristics to look for in these “ticking time bombs” are things such as twitching of the mouth or the eyes, those who keep looking down and then when they look up they have an enormous fake smile on their face which is kinda erie. Just as a side note…always wait until the very end of the show where they catch the losing ladies on camera just in time to film their meltdown about how they thought he was “the one.” So far, no crazy meltdowns to report…let’s wait until they really start falling in love.

Secondly, there must be a few shy people in order to make the extraverts look like lunatics and circus freaks.

Thirdly, there is always a token black broad with a real attitude problem who would in her words like “to bring it bitch” The white women pretend that they aren’t scared of her but they all secretly sleep with knives under their pillows until about the 3rd rose ceremony when the black girl is always escorted out with a pissed off look on her face. By the way I am not racist, I have black family, I am just telling you that this is how the network roles.

Fourthly, they ensure that there is at least one girl that looks like she has a severe drinking problem. For example during last nights episode Stacy the voluptuous blonde with knots in her bleached blonde locks, chose to drink her body weight in champagne and proceeded to slip her underwear into the Bachelor's pants while he was engaged in conversation with another hopeful beauty. Her whorish like tactics left her baffled at the end of the episode. However, she did seem to handle her dismissal well since she was well rested after her nap or shall I say "pass out" half way through the meet and greet party. Now I question why he would have dismissed her so quickly? Could it have been her underwear which she removed and tried to shove down his pants mid conversation? Was it her groping and champagne guzzling that turned him off? I thought the Bachelor was looking for someone fun? Why is this Brit so uptight?

Last but not least, last night’s episode gives hope to all the hot dog vendors and beer can eating women of the world…You too can find your Prince Charming.…they don’t discriminate…I am really hoping that the hot dog vendor makes it as far as possible without telling the 6’5 financier from London that she actually sells street meat for a living.

For the ladies who did witness last nights episode of the Bachelor please fill in the blanks for any pertinent items you feel that I have left out.

Until next Tuesday, I will sign off and say farewell bitches.