RIP - Double H

Special Guest Report from Sheballs Banyay.

It is with a heavy heart that the DML reports some very sad news today. Good friend and confidant Dan Suranyi, aka double H, aka tan much?, aka gaylord, succumbed to a fatal disease this weekend otherwise known as crocodile syndrome. Rumours began to circulate Saturday evening when police discovered his abandoned rental vehicle just minutes from his home in North Toronto. Initial reports indicate that Dan was scheduled to make an appearance at one headless man's cottage, a gathering known to attendees as 'Lawlepalooza'.

Friends stood roadside eagerly awaiting his arrival in Long Point for the better part of Saturday afternoon. DML partner J. Lunan was heard to remark 'We love this guy. I got about 2 cartons worth of eggs ready to pelt at his face, we can't wait for them to get here.' When a mysterious series of phone calls lead friends to suspect foul play, police were immediately dispatched to his home in Toronto.

The victim was found barely clinging to life in the arms of his girlfriend (pictured here). Morticians on the scene commented that the disease advanced rapidly into its later stages where victims often complain of a sudden and complete disappearance of their genitalia. There was nothing that could have been done to save him. One medic was heard to say, 'I've never seen anything like this before, the poor guy just completely lost his balls! It was just like poof, gone, vanished into thin air.' Dan will be sorely missed.

Look out Ladies!

Rumour has it that Dan Solo and ChewMatty will be in Long Point this weekend for Lawlepalooza. And Princess Leia is no where in sight.

So if you're in Long Point this weekend, and you're a female under 25 with a heart beat, be weary of offers to board the Millenium Falcon.

Hopefully Dan left his cosmetics and cowboy hat at home. Oh yeah, and feel free to Google the word "Beginized" and check out the second link. Number 1, here we come.

Editor's note: ChewMatty likes Sex and the City

Wanted: Slow Cooker Models

A slow cooker or Crock-Pot (a trademark often used generically) is a countertop electrical cooking appliance that maintains a relatively low temperature for many hours, allowing unattended cooking of pot roast, stew, and other long-cooking dishes. Since the advent of the microwave, the slow cooker industry has been on the back burner so to speak. As a result, the slow cooker modelling industry had been on steady decline with most of the talent opting for the more secure and lucrative microwave modelling.

Fortunately, slow cooking is now experiencing somewhat of a renaissance with new modelling opportunities presenting themselves almost daily. It's now become common to feature your slow cooker on your Christmas cards. For more information on this exciting career path, please contact Mike Lawless at mikeylawless@gmail.com. Yes, it's the same Lawless that specializes in outhouse webcam installation.

Editor's note: Hey Lawless, Brenda from 90210 called, she wants her bangs back.

Lawless Christ Superstar?

"The Lawless be with you."

"And also with you."

"On the 25th day of the seventh month, Lawless ascended to Long Point and said - thou shalt sleepeth in tents and listen to my bad music...Let us drink"

(Pause for drinking)

"May our tents protect us from the elements and the clothing on females at the beach be minimal, for tis is the long weekend wheneth man shall cometh together to break bread and wine preparedeth by wives and girlfiends. Amen."

On Being A Champion...

Thoughts from '04 champion Dyson, B (partner Breech, P) on the annual Lawlevitational Golf Tournament.

-reprinted from The New York Times with permission-

Lawlevitational. The very name of this most prestigious of golf tournaments sends shivers down the spine of even the most seasoned pros. The honour and prestige of participating in what has become known as the "5th Major" is felt throughout the entire tournament weekend.

It has become something of a well known fact that the hardest part of this tournament is the initial walk from the pro shop to the first tee box. The hope that pulses through the veins of each and every competitor leaves a sense of euphoria that is only shaken off by that first early morning beer. When the name of the next player to tee off is announced, followed by the polite applause of the other competitors, that one split second presents the hope that the trophy will finally be yours to raise above your head.

Some say winning doesn't matter, that having a good time participating in the tournament is what it's really all about. But to those I say: you have never won and are therefore losers. The only thing that matters during the Lawlepalooza weekend is winning that tournament. Anything less, and you sit at the kid's table.

Players have given up everything for the chance to raise that Champions plaque high in the air. Many have tried, a few have won, but most are failures. Relationships have been torn asunder By the Egregious, Galling, Indecent, Neurotic act of falling short. Other fairy tales have been born and developed into engagements that saw their start in victory at the Lawlevitational (see '07 champions Peck and Lawless).

You may see knowing glances exchanged between past champions at tournament weekend. Be warned that these are the acknowledgments between men who have sacrificed everything to have their name inscribed on that most hallowed of sporting trophies. They have given up so much to join the ranks of legends.

They say that to conquer the treacherous psychological battles of the Lawlevitational, one must prepare onself in that same manner as if one was a soldier in a bloody conflict in central Africa. I say this holds some truth, but that the real preparation for the Lawlevitational is what one does in the weeks and months prior to teeing off on that first hole at Turkey Point golf course. It is the preparation that only champions can know of. It is the preparation that I have only been able to fully complete once in this lifetime.

So to all those aspiring champions, I leave you with this:

Godspeed, and remember that there is a price to pay for not hitting past the ladies tees.

Dyson, B
'04 Co-Champion
Lawlevitational Golf Tournament

Champions Dinner

AP - Thursday, July 24th, 2008. This year's Lawlevitational Champions Dinner menu was announced yesterday via press release.

This years meal will feature pulled pork sandwiches with a side of roasted potatoes and a garden salad with tomatoes, avocadoes and a balsamic vinagrette dressing. When asked to comment on the meal selection, Lawlepalooza participant Julia T. said, "I wish my boyfriend didn't suck at golf and actually won something for once in our relationship. I'm tired of sitting at the loser table".

Previous winners of this prestigious event who will be in attendance include last year's champions, Mike Lawless & Doug P., the 2006 champions Jordan & Alex (pictured above with tournament chairman and defending champion, Mike Lawless) and of course, the crowd favourites Dyson & Breech, whose improbable run at the 2004 event has become a thing of legends amongst golfers and alcoholics alike.

Editors Note: Nice shirt, Mike!

Smells Delicious.

Lets throw this one out to the readers again, if you could do anything you wanted with Lawless's guitar, what would you do?

Speaking of smells delicious, who wants some Hungarian Salami?

Editor's note: The picture was photoshop'd and never actually occured.

DML Public Service Announcement

WARNING:
Don't believe the hype. Ladies Beware!




Dan Gaygin has left yet another victim behind in his wake, once again unsatisfied despite his legendary reputation. With increasing frequency, women around the globe are surfacing to share stories of his underperformance. They are hoping to help prevent the further spread of his subpar sexual encounters.

"Krissy," seen above [note, name disguised to protect Matty D's identity] described her recent experience with Begin as "possibly the most disappointing two minutes of my life. I mean we hadn't even started taking our clothes off and he was already done. I was so sure that for once I would finally get some non-mediocre loving. He even used a Magnum-sized condom that didn't fit and kept falling off. Clearly he has a false sense of identity. Oh, I feel so foolish for being duped but it's my sincere hope that no other woman will ever have to experience such awkwardness in bed again."

Ladies be warned. Begin will be at Lawlepalooza 2008.

Heartbreak? Or Just Another Obstacle?

The DML would like to take a minute to honour two members of the illustrious Softball Team (sporting a healthy 9-5 record just after the All Star Break). DB and JP have only been teammates on Softball Team for two seasons, but their bond goes far beyond this diamond of dreams.

DB and JP have become close, and their bond has only grown closer through their favourite pasttime of dressing up as cowboys and going camping.

When asked if their relationship would be hurt by the recently completed nuptials of 1/2 of their Duo, the response in unison was a resounding "Don't be silly."

Good luck you two.

Mike Lawless - The Mailbag

Thanks in part to the overwhelming success of last year's Lawlepalooza interview, Mike decided to respond to some of the emails we've been receiving from everyone throughout the year. Believe it or not, these are actual questions from our friends.

Q - Why does everyone say that my girlfriend is cooler than me?
Dan S., Hungary

Lawless - Her command of the english language for starters.


Q - Do I really look like Ernie from Sesame Street?
M. Mulqueen, Toronto

Lawless - YES.

Q - Do you think everyone knows that I snuck out to go swimming shortly before the strippers showed up at my stag? (read: shrinkage)
Jordan L., Montreal

Lawless - That makes perfect sense. We've been secretly referring to you as the Anti-Mullin and George Costanza behind your back.


Q - What's the over/under on my husband having more hair in his nose and on his ass than on his head? 32 years old? 35?
K. Algate, Montreal

Lawless - Mine was 17.

Q - When Meatloaf sings "I Would Do Anything For Love (But I Won't Do That)," do you think by that, he means buttfuck*ng?
J. Lunan, Montreal

Lawless - I doubt it. I can't imagine someone with the name Meatloaf hasn't taken a trip to Brown Town on occasion.

Q - My colleagues and I have a running game where we try and think of the creepiest thing you could say to a female co-worker that won't necessarily get you a visit from your good ole' HR rep. We came up with two stellar lines. The first is getting mildly close to your coworker and saying, "Did you change your shampoo?", and the other is looking them dead in the eye and saying, "Wow, you have a really pretty mouth."
J. Lunan, Montreal

Lawless - No comment.

Q - If I'm feeling ill, and I don't wash my hands after going to the bathroom, will someone in my office be more likely to contract my illness or herpes?
D. Begin, Toronto

Lawless - When did you start washing your hands after using the bathroom?


Q - With Jordan having retired from the hockey pool to focus on his marriage, who do you consider as the odds-on favourite to finally win?
K. Algate, Montreal

Lawless - Not Brook. Probably Mullin.

Q - Will this victory be tainted considering that Jordan did not participate and should the winning team be considered the Houston Rockets of Fantasy Hockey?
K. Algate, Montreal

Lawless - You're almost as weird as your husband.

(editor's note - the only reason the Houston Rockets won the NBA title in 93-94 & 94-95 is because Michael Jordan was retired at the time.)

Q - Can I pitch a tent in your backyard and play with it when no one is watching?
D. Begin, Toronto

Lawless - Only if I can join you.

Q - We know it's your special weekend and everything, but shouldn't this weekend now be called "Subapalooza"?
Everyone

Lawless - I completely understand. I also like Sub more than all of you, so the feeling is more than mutual.

Q - Enjoy your last year of Lawlepalooza. Next year it will be renamed Lawburypalooza. I own you.
Heather T., Toronto

Lawless - Was that a question?

Q - Can I still come next year even though Mulloskey will be home?
Mulqueen aka Ernie, Toronto

Lawless - Probabaly not.

Q - What's the bathroom etiquette for first time attendees? What should I do if I have to drop at deuce at 10am and there's already a line-up for the bathroom?
J. Algate, Toronto

Lawless - Excellent question. You have two options. Use the Outhouse we will have rented or do your business behind Sub's tent. No one will notice.


Q - Is Matty coming this year?
J. McPherson, Ottawa

Lawless - Yes.

Q - I'm out.
J. McPherson, Ottawa

Lawless - can your husband still come?


Q - Can you ask Szabulia if there's room in their tent for me to stay with them. I'm between tents right now.
D. Begin, Toronto

Lawless - I think that makes sense, although I had sex with Chrissy in that tent last year so be advised.


Q - Can I be put in charge of lunch and provide an assortment of shwarma and salami?
B. Dyson, Toronto

Lawless - No weird foreign meat allowed at Lawlepalooza, except Suranyi. And Jules.


Q - Hypothetically, if I crapped my pants in my tent at a previous Lawlepalooza and threw those pants on to the neighbours property before they built that huge garage, do you think my poopy-pants are still under the garage? Hypothetically.
D. Peck, Ottawa

Lawless - My guess would be that Richie probably ate your pants well before the garage was built. Remember this when Richie is licking your face.


Q - the DML was recently cited as the most relevant blog currently on the net. Do you agree with this statement?

J. Sproat, Toronto

Lawless - It's my homepage.

We're too busy and important to read this.

Have you ever had a friend who took their job very seriously and was way too busy all the time to engage in pointless reply-all emails and read blogs all day? Did that same friend eventually hire another one of your friends who used to send reply-all emails and read blogs, but then had to stop and pretend he was just as busy and important as the first friend, even though this clearly wasn’t the case?

No? Me neither.

Webcams at Lawlepalooza?

With Lawlepalooza less than 5 days away, the big question on everyone's mind is if they'll have webcams set-up in the outhouse again? In years past, those unable to attend were able to follow the live action online from home as Lawlepalooza participants coped with a diet consisting of burgers, chips and beer. The results from some of last year's best and worst performances can be seen here and here.

For more information on outhouse webcam installation, please email Mike Lawless at mikeylawless@gmail.com

The other less pressing question being talked about is whether or not Mats Sundin AND Lyle Overbay will be making appearances this year. Stay tuned.

Fear.

Webster's Dictionary defines fear as "an emotion experienced in anticipation of some specific pain or danger". I can't really say much else about this photo without having a dissertation from you know who appear in my inbox, so why don't we brainstorm some other potential captions in the Comments section.

Here's a few ideas to get the ball rolling...

"But I don't WANT to get married..."

"Hey Lawless, we're out here with all the all guys having a great time, what are you doing in the bedroom on your cell phone for almost 2 hours?"

"Maybe if I put on this ridiculous hat, no one will notice that I haven't washed my hair in 2 weeks."

"You take your pants off first", "No way, you go first"

"Hey, that's my Ghostbusters shirt!"

A Man. His Purse. The Legend.

This picture has long been a source of amusement for us here at the DML but we've never really bothered to understand and explain why it brings us so much joy.

Thanks to some of our spies at the DML, we were able to secretly access the contents of Mr. Lawless's "carry-all" and delve further into the man behind the purse. Needless to say we were shocked not to find any Wyclef CD's or baby oil, but were sufficiently giddy with the items we did discover which are pictured above.

We were also hoping to speak with his soon-to-be ex-fiance, but she was unavailable for comment and was rumoured to be staying with Lenny Kravitz in Paris.

Not pictured: Vagisil

The Streak is Over.

Hey look, it's a post not written by Mulqueen! Dyson and I have been busy eating salami and planning our trip to Winnipeg.

We wanted to include a caption for what Mike was thinking during this photo opportunity, but it was vetoed for questionable content by the editorial board here at the DML. Lets just say it involved the Fugees debut album, Rohypnol and copious amounts of baby oil.

Needless to say, since this encounter Wyclef has left Sony-BMG and signed a record deal with Universal.

ps. Ace and Gary want their jacket back.

Career Ending Combover

Former teen hearthrob Michael Lawless has been devasted by career-ending rapid hair loss. The combination of dreadful combover with unibrow and molester moustache has left audiences sickened, cutting short his most recent tour after the crowd repeatedly chanted "pussy" when he broke into tears.

Good friend and reigning Nascar champion Dyson offered his thoughts on this tragic turn of events: "I really used to look up to the guy, modelling my own mullet after his beautiful locks. Now, all I see is a shiney head and sad attempt at compensation on his face. He should be truly ashamed for letting himself go like that, particularly with his upcoming nuptuals"

Rumour has it that Lawless is planning a comeback tour on the weekend of July 25 - 28th. Stay tuned to the DML for tonnes of updates leading up to this event.

Mullin Loves All Animals

Winnipeg Claims Another Victim

Mrs. Hungary, aka Ace, aka Sub, aka Sheballs Damgay was diagnosed on Wednesday with a severe case of Winnipegitus. Kidnapped, drugged and dragged to Winnipeg by known fugitive Julia "Third Nipple" Trau aka Vajulia Tranny, Mrs. Hungary has been subjected to extreme forms of torture including excessive consumption of chinese food and uncomfortable conversations with potential inlaws about the future. Witnesses report that Mrs. Hungary's symptoms include sweating, extreme boredom, compulsive yawning, occasional swearing outbreaks and yellowish discharge.

Hostage negotiators at the DML are currently working with local authorities to bring justice to Ms. Trau and bring Mrs. Hungary safely home.

Mullin in Korea

Quoting from that other travel blog, with appropriate word substitution...

"Mullin in Korea can be obnoxious, loud, in your face and usually involves an absurd amount of noise and environmental pollution. That said, there’s something oddly comforting about the fact that he's unapologetic about how loud, vile and annoying he is. There is very little that is subversive or scheming about him (well, with the exception of a lot of advertising... geared toward women… scary stuff). Quite simply Mullin competes to be the loudest, most plastered ... in public space and often even resorts to driving around the neighbourhood with megaphones advertising his product."

The Good Times

Isn't life better without the M in the DML?