Merry Christmas from Lunch Email TM

For those of you wondering what I do at work these days, this little compilation should provide some excellent insight.

Lunch Email TM Pictures, in association with I'm Bored Studios is please to present...

Can you tell the difference?

One of these is the sometimes B's ridiculous looking dog, one is a polar bear in it's natural habitat and one is the L in his natural habitat.  Nature is so confusing.

Don't Trust Monkeys

They will steal your lunch.

And people wonder why my car is always spotless...

It's also nice to know that Hams and the Sometimes B have something to fall back on in terms of employment if the financial world continues to collapse.

This is why YOU should comment

You may get to verify a funny word.

The Lunch Email

Deep inside the bowels of the interweb, there exists an institution that some say is as highly regarded as the birth of Google. This time-honoured tradition known as The Lunch Email TM has been chronicling the lunchtime appetites of many fearless participants for many, many days.

Recently, a select team of Lunch Email TM members met at The Black Camel to celebrate our Lunch Email successes, mourn the absence of our missing members, and of course: eat. The consensus coming out that meeting was that The Lunch Email TM is stronger than ever, and The Black Camel makes some mean sandwiches. Go eat there.

From the DML to The Lunch Email TM - bon appetit. This lunch is for you.

The pic below was captured by an anonymous paparazzi that has been positioned outside of the Black Camel for months, in hopes of capturing this most prized of candid shots.

(Pictured from L-R: D, Hams, M. Missing: L, Sometimes B)

Before and After...

In order to commemorate the D's birthday, we thought it would be fitting to show some old photos from the archive of the M's mom. Better known as Ms. M, is shown above shortly before delivery (of the M) along with her remarkable weight loss and return to her usual habits (below). She certainly is one of a kind and bares a striking resemblance to the D.

Happy Birthday D. You and the L truly are a great human beings.

Beep

Memories...

How do I say goodbye to what we had?

The good times that made us laugh

Outweigh the bad.

I thought we'd get to see forever

But forever's gone away

It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday.

I don't know where this road

Is going to lead

All I know is where we've been

And what we've been through.

If we get to see tomorrow

I hope it's worth all the wait

It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday.

And I'll take with me the memories

To be my sunshine after the rain

It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday.

And I'll take with me the memories

To be my sunshine after the rain

It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday.

Boyz II Men, Cooleyhighharmoney (1993)

God gave us Mullin...

... and his long arms to spread love and work miracles in the kitchen.



Continuing The DML's good news reporting streak, today we would like to take a moment honour the very honourable Chef S. Mullin for his contributions to good times and culinary enjoyment.

Inspired by the many flavours of Korean food he experienced over the past two years, Mullin has returned to North America with a cooking vengeance. Korea has been in a period of national mourning since losing Mullin's talents in late August. He was a national hero and it will probably be years before Koreans fully recover from their deep sadness.

What makes his story truly incredible is that he has been able to overcome the contraversy surrounding the release of provovacative photos in a popular woman's magazine last year. Close friends say that he has since transformed himself fundamentally by reaching out to Jesus for guidance. Amazingly through the process he has actually come to bear a remarkable resememblance to Jesus, to which some attribute his assention to the top of the cooking world. God and Doug only know.

Back in Mississauga and in the Greater Mississauga Region, Mullin's return has created a stampede of excitment . Supported by his trusty sidekick, Rowdy McC , and armed with a mighty beard, strong ideals and an unparalleled ability to identify and describe the food he loves, Mullin is lighting up taste buds across the continent. Most recently he was spotted working miracles on the grill in the parking lot at a Buffalo Bills game (seen above).

Chef Mullin could probably even make ML's stupid guitar taste delicious.

For all this greatness, the DML salutes you Chef S. Mullin.

Charitable Forces

The DML would like to take a moment from our relentless and cutting-edge reporting to recognize two genuine do-gooders.  Led by the dedicated efforts of Ms. JB (aka Big Time Lawyer) and Mr. PB (aka Fatrick Reach-around), this past weekend saw single-night charitable fundraising records obliterated.  

From his vacation home in Florida, occasional DML contributor sometimes B applauded JB's fundraising efforts for women with eating disorders.  As a morbidly obese hungarian woman, sometimes B is hopeful that the funding will help other young woman establish a healthier relationship with food.

That same night across town, Coach PB gathered close friends for a night of music and celebration to raise education funds for his friend in Tanzania.  Former celebrity, now balding washed up rock star ML (aka loser of the worst blog-off ever) belted out tunes, while guests fought over blind auction items, notably the amazing culinary talents of the long-armed chef Mullin.

Political parties are already lining up to court these two incredible fundraising masters, in preparation for the next general election (early 2009).  Said political organizing guru, the D of the DML, "Obama's fundraising records in this past US election will be small change in comparison to what these two will accomplish when they join forces for a lucky political party."

Married Life

The D, after much rummaging around through the M's and L's garbage and laundry, found some very interesting clothing labels.

Check out the evidence below...

Complacency?

Is November a month to be avoided? No posts? Is the DML sick?

DML Polygraph Test

Welcome the the DML Polygraph test, where I choose a random person from the blogosphere and subject them to five embarassing and deeply personal questions, almost all of which involve sex or poop. They can only answer yes or no. Now I don't posses and actual polygraph machine here. So I'm going to rely on the best bullshit detector of them all: our commenters. They answer, and you judge. Today, our subject is the Somtimes B.

The L: Have you ever masturbated in a public place?

SB: Yes.

The L: Have you ever had sexual thoughts about a man, unwanted in your head or not?

SB: No.

The L: Have you ever imagined yourself as Mike Lawless during intercourse?

SB: Yes.

The L: Have you ever passed up intercourse in order to sleep?

SB: Yes.

The L: Have you ever urinated, and then zipped up, only to realize there's still a little trickling out and it makes a really big stain in your pants?

SB: Yes.

Happy Halloween!!

Pictured above from Top-to-Bottom: The D, The L...and the M.

Blog-Off Champion

Congratulations to the Sometimes B for winning the inaugural Blog-Off in what will be regarded historically as the worst competition in internet history. If I had to provide an analogy of what judging this competition was like, I'd have to say it was like being asked whether I prefer vomit or poop.

As you can see from the picture above, poop clearly came out on top. The victory was really only by default though, as the Sometimes B made this one lame post while his opponent did not bother with a single attempt.

The loser of the contest (aka Vomit), will now go back into DML obscurity will no longer be referenced on this glorious blog.

My apologies to the M for all the Vomit references, hopefully he can keep his lame-ass lunch down.

The Leafs

The D has decided to post his thoughts on this season's incarnation of the Maple Leafs. Beyond predicting that they will win the Stanley Cup this spring, and break numerous NHL records, here are some thoughts.

The D took advantage of the DML's corporate Leaf tickets last night, and had some very interesting thoughts come to mind as to the differences between this year's team and previous.

First off - for the first time that the D can remember, there seems to be an air of self-mocking around the Air Canada Centre. The newest feature in the scoreboard cam bits, that are done in every arena is called something like "Spot The Suit". The camera operator proceeds to zero in on bored looking corporate types wearing ties in the Platinum section.

Second - the new motto around the ACC - "Spirit Is Everything". If this is not an acknowledgment of how much of a joke the on-ice product has become, it sure is close. MLSE has now decided to basically give out points for participation.

The D can never remember Leaf management poking such fun at itself before.

Third - there is no bonafide superstar on this Leafs team. This team is filled with guys who could probably walk down the street in any other NHL city and not be recognized. Quick - name me all 3 defensive pairings for the Leafs...


The D can remember going to games at Maple Leaf Gardens as a boy, with one of the most vivid memories of that place (besides the smoke filled hallways and Buffalo Bills-style trough urinals) is the inherent distaste that true Leaf fans had for their team. In the 80s the fans knew that their team was garbage, and loudly vocalized that at the games. The D feels that he learned how to be properly critical of a hockey game from witnessing those horrible Leaf teams. The atmosphere at last night's game felt more like those early Leaf experiences than it ever has recently.

The point the D is trying to make is that this year's team is bad. Ownership knows it, management knows it, and the fans know it.

PS - thanks alot John Ferguson Jr for leaving us with Jason Blake and his ridiculous contract. The only thing you were ever qualified to GM was your local McDonald's.

Where the Magic Happens...Part 1

Who is the DML? We've been inundated with this very question from our countless readers who long to know where this cast of characters summons the creativity to entertain the masses. Without further ado, we're starting a series called, Where the Magic Happens.

Check out my view below of the East End and the majestic Olympic Stadium in the distance on the right. Whenever I'm lacking the inspiration to compose the elegant prose everyone has come to expect, I close my eyes and imagine what it must have been like to be one of the fans that was almost crushed to death by a concrete slab that fell back when they played baseball at this stadium's hallowed grounds.

For those of you wondering why I'm automatic on putts from 6 feet and less, now you have your answer.

Editors Note: Special thanks to Mulqueen for Photoshopping out ESPN.com as the homepage on my monitor.

Vegetation

Despite some of the negative sentiments people (including the author of the previous post) are having regarding the current political season, we here at the DML prefer to focus on the positives.

For those of you who feel the same way and prefer putting a positive spin on the recent Canadian election - here's as good a reason as any pictured above. Ever wondered what $300 million looks like, well the answer is growing on the D's face. Go Blue!!

D - when you finally shave it off, make sure you give it to the M so he can include it in one of his lunch's...

Reunited

After a grueling (read: unnecessary) election which caused the D's hiatus and a false sense of self-importance, and despite the promotion of the M which has temporarily handcuffed our photoshopping abilities, things are starting to get back to normal here at the DML.

In other news, the Sometimes B got bitch-slapped so hard by the L this weekend that he hurt his elbow doing a backwards somersault on the pavement.

***not pictured - The M's vomit from Gratto's wedding

Oh that receding hairline!

The DML, in association with long-standing contributor the sometimes B, would like to take a moment out of our extremely busy schedule to acknowledge a very special birthday. Often mistaken for a hockey player, the hairline (pictured here) turns an unfortunate 30 years young today. Despite the obvious facial trauma endured over the years, hairline has exhibited remarkable fortitude. Sadly, like all good things in life, this hairline's best years are now well behind him. With a little luck we hope that hairline could potentially maintain a Norwood 3 before inevitably succumbing to its hideous, often career-ending relative, the Norwood 5. Maybe she will finally come to her senses and drop him for B. May the force be with hairline on his special day, the DML+B salute you.

Dirty 30

the D, M and sometimes B salute the letter L for being 30 and making the world a better place. Dear readers, please send him your bithday wishes.

The D is back.

The hiatus is over. For both the D and Phish.

Welcome back D.

26 Possible Explanations

a) They are busy douching each other and no longer want to compete after seeing each other's floppy vaginas.

b) L2 is busy writing love songs about his chest hair for an upcoming album.

c) Sometimes B is too saddened by the end of free-market capitalism to continue.

d) Sometimes B is still trying to figure out how the interweb and "computers" work.

e) L2 got distracted looking at his bald spot in the mirror.

f) Sometimes B is naked and masturbating. While driving.

g) L2 is watching sometimes B from the passengers seat and wishing that he could do more than 9 push-ups so that he was strong enough to finish when he masturbates.

h) Neither has received permission to participate in the Blog-off from respective lady friends.

i) They are studying past DML posts to learn how to be funny and are not yet confident that they can deliver the high quality content that readers expect.

j) Sometimes B has caught L2's vaginitus. Note to concerned readers: Thankfully L of the DML has been cured before suffering that rapid hair loss that ruined L2's career.

k) Sometimes B's performance anxiety problems in the bedroom have spilled over into the blogosphere.

l) L2's fingers are cramped due to
(i) attempted masturbation
(ii) strumming embarrassing love songs about chest hair and Begin's twirly tatoo.
(iii) attempting to beat his personal best of 9 push-ups.

m) Sometimes B has been accosted by angry stockholders who watched their life savings melt away last week and then followed Sometimes B's advice to cut their losses, thereby missing out on the bounce this week.

n) Both are waiting for members of the DML to take over the trash-talking for them so that they may free-ride and hide their own patheticness.

o) Sometimes B can't read. L2 is sensitive to that and is working on uploading some MP3 audio files. L2 was stopped from doing so however when the DML firewall detected he was also attempting to upload some of those embarrassingly bad love songs.

p) Each is afraid to take the first swing because they know they will be subsequently laughed at and destroyed by the DML and other commentators.

q) L2 is afraid that if he is too aggressive, sometimes B will make fun of him for spending $400 on jeans.

r) Sometimes B is afraid that if he is too aggressive, L2 will make fun of him for dropping his girlfriend on her face.

s) L2 heard there was a door crasher sale on vagisil and tampons and doesn't want to lose his spot in line.

t) Sometimes B did not understand the invitation to participate in the Blog-off because Hungarian Dan wasn't around to translate for him.

u) L2 thinks he can coast for the rest of his life now because he accidentally won MOTY. He willingly accepts that he has peaked and will gradually lose value for the rest of his pathetic life. Even tricking a woman who is obviously way too good for him into marriage will not prevent this inevitable decline.

v) Sometimes B is worried that if he displays his retardness in a truely public forum, Trau will finally realize she is too good for him.

w) L2 has realized he will never be L1 and has given up.

x) Sometimes B has realized he will always be sometimes and has given up.

y) They have actually both attempted to post several times but the DML firewall has blocked their posts for lack of hilarity.

z) Doug has intervened on God's behalf, worried that this event may be creating too much divisiveness and negativity.

Who's more useless?

Seeing as the L2 and Sometimes B are reluctant to post anything meaningful on this glorious blog, I thought it might be appropriate to go back in time and revisit an old email exchange between these former roommates.

This excerpt is taken from an email argument regarding the phone bill and escalated into them questioning each other's daily schedules and who lived a more fulfilling life. Tough call.

As you'll see, they both clearly had a lot going on in their lives back in early 2007. Too bad we didn't ask them to post on the DML back then. Enjoy!

From: Sometimes B
Sent: Friday, February 2, 2007 4:58 PM
To: L2
Subject: Re: 381 Shaw

Beeeeeeeeeeeep

L2's Schedule:

Mon-Fri:

7am- serenade my girlfriend
7:05- serenade my girlfriend
7:10- serenade my girlfriend
9am- got to work, research hockey stats
6:00-8:00pm- get home, sing songs, research hockey stats
8:00-10:00- try to think of ways not to make noise during sex
11- go to bed

Sat-Sun: Hang with my girlfriend and her friends, go to gay dinners.

From: L2

Sent: Friday, February 02, 2007 4:56 PM

To: Sometimes B

Subject: RE: 381 shaw

Actually - quite the opposite, you have much less going on your life than i do.

Sometimes B's Schedule:

Mon-Fri:

6:00 am - wake up and go to work
6:00 pm - get home
6:00-8:00 pm - play poker
9:00 pm - go to sleep

Sat-Sun:

Sleep until 5:00
Go to niagara
Do nothing

Your life is a waste.

Disappointment

Where are Sometimes B and L2? Have you forgotten about your vow to destroy each other via the DML?

The Origin of the Blog-Off

Never before has such a rivalry dominated the news. The impending matchup of L(2) vs B has the potential to be the greatest grudgematch in history.

Scouring the extensive archives of the DML's proud history, the D has found a photo that was thought to be lost in the great financial crisis of 2008. This photo has been tentatively labelled as the potential start of the original Blog-Off. What you see below was what could have been the beginning of World War 3.

Luckily, the M intervened and realized the D, the M, and the L could all live in harmony, combine their talents, and produce the greatest website in the history of the interweb.

Disaster averted.

BLOG-OFF!!!!!

Who would be a more worthy contributor to the DML?

With the impending departure of the L, who should take his place (assuming he's willing to relinquish it)?

Clearly the only reasonable course of action here is to have a Blog-Off.

Starting next week, Lawless and the Sometimes B are hereby invited to formally post contributions on the DML*. They will both be given temporary access for one week to post as many entries as they wish and will be graded by the DML based on overall content and the feedback they receive in the comments section.

The DML promises zero editorial oversight, except to ensure compliance with our objectional content policy version 1.1. Winner will be decided by public vote the following week, 99 cents per text message.**

Congratulations on making it this far in the application process. Many have tried, only one has succeeded, and he will be on probation for the rest of his natural life.

The Blog-Off officially begins on Tuesday, October 14th, 2008 at 9:00am EDT.

It's going to be a bloodbath.

*Note, this will be a true test of your talents because you will have to work without the aide of the M's photoshop talents... a situation the M is actively working to remedy at work.

**The DML reserves the right to completely ignore the results of the vote and choose the winner based on completely unsubstantiated criteria.

Creepy or Sexy?

You decide. Vote here.

Vagina Envy

DML photo archivist and vice-president of scheming L, seen above left, has been diagnosed with a severe case of vaginitus.

Recent unprovoked attacks on former colleague M and sometimes B provided early evidence that he had contracted the embarassing disease but it wasn't until this photo surfaced that doctors were able to formally diagnose it. Symptoms include whining, constant pleas for attention and excessive masturbation.

Former male companions suggest it may have been contracted at the 2008 Man of the Year Championships, where he was in close contact with this guy. A witness at the event recalls hearing him complain of vaginal cramps mid-way through long-distance run (in which he was destroyed by M and sometimes B).

Doctors say that carriers can live a full and healthy life but if the underlying causes are not treated early, vaginitus can result in rapid hairloss.

Train Wreck.

"Hi, I'm the M. I wear jeans to weddings and don't eat meat. I used to be a valuable resource for this blog but now I pretend to be all important, kinda like the D, and couldn't be bothered to contribute anymore. My hobbies include champagne, some beer, lots of wine and tons of scotch. You can see my latest work on the side of Springhurst Ave, Highway 11, 400 and 21, but don't worry it doesn't contain any meat and I took my shoes off my shoes to reduce my carbon footprint. Hooray for Earth!!"

Finally.

After nearly two weeks of procrastination and incompetence, the Sometimes B managed to upload some photos from the most important event ever.

Pictured above are the tournament organizers and the tournament champion. The L is sporting a shirt and hat from the title sponsor Adidas, Sometimes B is also wearing an Adidas hat which he looks ridiculous in. It also appears that Sometimes B has wet himself, hence the less than enthusiastic look on his face.

When asked to comment on the weekend festivities, Sometimes B said "Fuck Lawless" a sentiment that was shared by several participants. The L's lasting memory from the weekend was his encounter with a polar bear in the Sometimes B's living room on Saturday morning. The M couldn't be reached for comment as he was still busy trying to figure out who ate all of his tofu steaks. The D is basically dead to us.

Overall, the inaugural Man of the Year tournament was a huge success. It's not about who won or lost, but how angry Matty got for being stuck with Jamie and Sporat for golf. Even though he never said anything, we all know that deep down he would have rather played with Jess.

Oh, and congratulations to third place finisher, Dan Begin.

"I'm a lazy douche."

It's been over 10 days since our last post.

This is what happens when the D moves to Ottawa and the sometimes B (pictured above) is left in charge of pictures commemorating the most important event in the history of mankind (read: our group of friends).

What happened to us? Could this be it?

Will the sometimes B's laziness and the D's fabricated sense of self-importance lead to the end of the DML?

How will the M's office relocation to City Hall effect photshop requests? So many questions, so few readers left...

Here are my suggestions to help rejuvenate this once glorious blog...

Sometimes B: Stop being a lazy sack of $hit and upload the photos so we can make fun of Lawless.

D: Quit your job and move back from Ottawa. We need you more than we realized. Salami consumption in the GTA is down over 70% since you left.

M: You're perfect. When I die, I hope to be reincarnated as a vegetable in your beautiful backyard garden, just so I can be a part of one of your delectable lunches (preferably roasted butternut squash soup) only to die again in your stomach's digestive juices. Then I want to come back as Jules and come to my senses with the realization of what a lazy douchebox my boyfriend really is. Then I want to come back as a low-level staffer, so the D can serve me coffee when he's not telling his friends how important he is.

(ok, fine, he's not perfect but I did mean everything else I said)

M: Stop watching Rock of Love and try not to strike out looking with the bases loaded in a must-win playoff game. Demand photoshop in your new office or quit.

What else do our few remaining readers think we could do to revive the glory that was the DML?

2008 Man of the Year

... will be decided this weekend. Cast your vote.

Mullin Returns

His elephantis and beligerancy have escalated during two years of Asian travel and now he's really really hungry.

Beware that speedo bulge Toronto!

The New Lawless

Public Notice: Begin is threatening to bail on Jorkat weekend and replace Lawless as the reigning queen of queens. Let him know how you feel about that.

Boogie Nights

Nice to see the good folks over at Sean-Erin.com posting some hard core pornography.

Keep it up.

Where the Magic Happens... Part 2

Who is the DML? We've been inundated with this very question from our countless readers who long to know where this cast of characters summons the creativity to entertain the masses. Without further ado, we're starting a series called, Where the Magic Happens.

I'm sure you've wondered how our DML photographers manage to capture such amazing moments for us to share with you. The answer is timing, an eye for beauty and the best equipment money can buy. It's true, sometimes the pictures just seem too incredible to be real.... but believe us dear reader, the DML photo lab take its role very seriously, raising the global bar for integrity in journalism. Believe in magic.

What inspires M? That one is simple. Life. Way to BE world.

DML Pro Tip: Staying on top of developing stories at the DML requires constant diligence and committment. Regular rest while at work helps you to replenish energy reserves and be ready for when the next big story breaks.

Nigeria's Begin

Original BBC story:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/africa/7547148.stm

[Begin] has advised other men not to follow his example and [date] 86 women... ... he is able to cope only with the help of God.

"A man with 10 [lovers] would collapse and die, but my own power is given by Allah. That is why I have been able to control 86 of them," he told the [DML].

He says his [partners] have sought him out because of his reputation as a healer.
"I don't go looking for them, they come to me. I will consider the fact that God has asked me to do it and I will just [do] them."

Most of his [victims] are less than a quarter of his age - and many are younger than some of his own children.

[Begin] and his [sex slaves] do not work and he has no visible means of supporting such a large family. He refuses to say how he makes enough money to pay for the huge cost of feeding and clothing so many people.

"To my understanding [morality] does not place a limit and it is up to what your own power, your own endowment and ability allows," he says.