Nanners on The Bachelor

Today marks the beginning of a weekly feature entitled "Nanners on the Bachelor", its a play on words. Even if you're not a fan of the show, or have never watched it, I can assure you that you'll find her elegant prose entertaining. I think we can also all agree that reading about some english dude trying to nail 25 broads is much more worthwhile than reading about China, foot massages and how Mullin is tall and weird looking. Welcome aboard Nanners!

If you have not tuned into the nine millionth season of the hit reality show “The Bachelor,”I urge you to do so next Monday.

For those of you who are not reality t.v junkies such as myself, there are a few things that you must know about the selection of the quality of people chosen to be on fabulous real life television. I feel it is my obligation as a junkie to fill you in on the process.

First, in order to be on t.v, the producers of the show will meet with you and put you under some sort of psychological assessment. In order to make a cast of 25 beauties, at least 15 must fail the psychological test by a significant amount. These are usually the homicidal maniacs scattered throughout the back row during the “most dramatic rose ceremony ever.” Some physical characteristics to look for in these “ticking time bombs” are things such as twitching of the mouth or the eyes, those who keep looking down and then when they look up they have an enormous fake smile on their face which is kinda erie. Just as a side note…always wait until the very end of the show where they catch the losing ladies on camera just in time to film their meltdown about how they thought he was “the one.” So far, no crazy meltdowns to report…let’s wait until they really start falling in love.

Secondly, there must be a few shy people in order to make the extraverts look like lunatics and circus freaks.

Thirdly, there is always a token black broad with a real attitude problem who would in her words like “to bring it bitch” The white women pretend that they aren’t scared of her but they all secretly sleep with knives under their pillows until about the 3rd rose ceremony when the black girl is always escorted out with a pissed off look on her face. By the way I am not racist, I have black family, I am just telling you that this is how the network roles.

Fourthly, they ensure that there is at least one girl that looks like she has a severe drinking problem. For example during last nights episode Stacy the voluptuous blonde with knots in her bleached blonde locks, chose to drink her body weight in champagne and proceeded to slip her underwear into the Bachelor's pants while he was engaged in conversation with another hopeful beauty. Her whorish like tactics left her baffled at the end of the episode. However, she did seem to handle her dismissal well since she was well rested after her nap or shall I say "pass out" half way through the meet and greet party. Now I question why he would have dismissed her so quickly? Could it have been her underwear which she removed and tried to shove down his pants mid conversation? Was it her groping and champagne guzzling that turned him off? I thought the Bachelor was looking for someone fun? Why is this Brit so uptight?

Last but not least, last night’s episode gives hope to all the hot dog vendors and beer can eating women of the world…You too can find your Prince Charming.…they don’t discriminate…I am really hoping that the hot dog vendor makes it as far as possible without telling the 6’5 financier from London that she actually sells street meat for a living.

For the ladies who did witness last nights episode of the Bachelor please fill in the blanks for any pertinent items you feel that I have left out.

Until next Tuesday, I will sign off and say farewell bitches.